Sunday, May 8, 2011

Box of Chocolates

You know the movie quote from Forrest Gump, "life is like a box of chocolates?" Well, that's I think the best way to describe my life right now. Some days I get a really nice sweet white chocolate, while other days (like today), I am tasting some of the real bittersweet kind.

Mother's Day is not always the easiest day for me to begin with...I live 3,000 miles away from my Mom and so don't get to celebrate it with her. But this year is much more difficult than most, as it is exactly 1 year ago today that I m/c my first baby with my DH. My life will never be the same, Mother's Day will never be the same. It is difficult not to reflect on all of the things that today "could have" been if things had turned out differently. I "could have" been the mother of a small baby, celebrating a happy Mother's Day, relishing in all the hopes and dreams that I would have for that little one. Instead, I am the mother of an angel baby who I never had the chance to meet and for whom all the hopes and dreams I had will never be realized. This past year it has been very difficult for me to even think of myself as a mother and just to write here that I am is difficult. But with the grief and loss that I feel, I know that I am, even if I never had the chance to hold, hug, or kiss that little baby.

I do not know the plans that God has for me...I can only hope and pray that the dreams that I have are somewhere in line with God's plan for my life. As each month passes with no closer step to mothering a live baby, my faith is tested and challenged. But I will hold steadfast to my faith and trust that God knows better than I do and, whatever God has planned for me will be the best possible plan for my life. That's not to say that I have given up on my dream of holding and raising my own dear fact, I haven't yet been able to reconcile NOT having that dream become reality. But I do have to consciously make the decision every day to trust in God and trust that "Father knows best".

So, as I muddle through this day, while reflecting on my own experience with motherhood (however brief), I will also think of my own mother and all the other mothers I know. And I will prayer for these amazing women on this Mother's Day.